I guess as I have gotten older I have begun to assess life and the reality of death. I always knew that death was a part of life, but it has never been anything that I have really considered. As a selfish person would, I never considered the impact that it would have on those that I care most about. I never considered the emotional affects or the financial burdens that would be left mainly because the only person I worried about was me.
As the years have passed and I have become married and have begun my own family these thoughts have begun to creep into my mind. I have also begun to think about what I would say to the people and the things that I would do if I knew that I would only have a certain amount of time left on this Earth. At the end of this I have decided to put a handful of things about some of the people in my life and what they mean to me.
I grew up in a Christian environment that has taught me many of my ethics and morals that I try to use in my day to day life. I am not living my life as I would like to nor am I anywhere close to living the life that God would have me live. All in all it really doesn’t matter what I want or how I think my life should go. It should be lived as God would have me to live, and my life should be used as God would use me. This aspect of my life I would like to begin this instant.
I was saved in my mid-teens. Around the age of 15 or right after I turned 15 I was led by God and called to be of service to children. Most of my teen years and all of my adult life I have been running from God. Although I have been blessed beyond measure, I have not fully surrendered my life to the service of God. It’s funny. Even though I have been trying to run from Him most of my life, for the past 5+ years I have been working with children. I know that I am right where God wants me to be in that aspect of my life. For me to really get the blessings that God has promised, I have to surrender my life and let Him lead me as he sees fit. When I do this I know that the blessings that I have received will be nothing compared to what He has to offer me.
There have been many occurrences and things in my life that have led me to assume, that when I was saved as a teenager, I really didn’t get saved. This I know now to be a misled thought. Unlike many of my peers I cannot remember the exact date, time, or year that I received Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. I have struggled with many addictions throughout my life, ones that I am really not proud of and will not discuss. I still fight with some of the addictions, and others I have conquered through praying and relying on God. I have questioned myself, my Faith, my Spirituality, my relationships, my choices, and my life in general. I have questioned God and His reasons for doing things. I have questioned His master plan. I have studied other worldly faiths like Darwinism, Buddhism, Evolution, Satanism, Judaism, Creationism, and numerous others. Please do not misinterpret. I have never practiced any of these faiths, but have studied them.
I have suffered extreme depression, bouts with suicidal thoughts, severe anger, and have fallen so far that I thought there was no other way out. I would curse and shout and scream and blame God for the positions that I got into in my life. Somehow, out of some corner or my mind I remembered God and all that He stood for. Each time that I slid away and I remembered that He was always there I would find His hand and he would pull me from the depths back into the light. Then, I would realize that it was not Him who left me, but me who left Him. All I would have to do is back track in my life to the point of where my life began to fail, and there He would be waiting on me.
How many times in life are we able to leave God and He will be right there waiting on us to return? This is a question that I have thought about many times over. I have asked others this question also, but no one seems to be able to answer. I still do not know an exact answer, but I have come to the realization that mine are limited, and although I am one of His children He will not wait for me forever to come around to do His work and live my life for Him. He has given me many chances in life. He has saved me from death more times that I can count. He has delivered me out of situations and circumstances that I should not have come out of. He has blessed me with a wonderful loving Christian family. He has also blessed me with a loving, beautiful Christian wife and in-laws. I have a beautiful home, a great job, and I do not want for anything. My life and servitude does not show someone that is thankful for all of these things. My life shows a life of selfishness and self-gratitude. This I am done with.
Many say, “God will not give you more than you can handle.” My wife has always told me that this was not a true statement. She has always told me, “God will give you more than you can handle so that you have to rely on Him more.” I believe with all of my heart that what she said is right, and since I have realized that this I have noticed it a lot more in my personal life.
I felt the need to get this out. God has put a lot on my heart in the past weeks. Hopefully over the course of my life I will learn to grow stronger in Him and be able to share more without fear or hesitation. Another thing that I have learned from my wife is that most people live their life in hiding. What she meant by “hiding” is that people hide their true self because of what the world may think. I have lived my life in hiding. I have held back my thoughts and hid myself because of what the world may think. I will live my life free of these things. I will no longer hide myself because of what others may think. I will live my life in God, for God, and through God. If I slip and fall at this I know that He will be there as my Teacher, Mentor, and Coach. He will keep me going.
One of my favorite Bible passages would have to be John 3:16-18. “16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.”
I think that the Bible passage that drills at my core the most is Revelation 20:11-15 “11 Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. The earth and the heavens fled from his presence, and there was no place for them. 12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. 13 The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what they had done. 14 Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is the second death. 15 Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire.”
Earlier today I posted on Facebook: “What would you do if you knew you only had 5 days to live?”
Responses were:
- Say "I love you" to the people that count, my family and friends. And enjoy every minute I have with them!
- Spend every minute with the people I love and make sure I leave them with peace and confidence I am in heaven with our Lord and Savior. Also try and bring happiness to something sad. Oh yea and increase my life insurance.
- Book a trip to Hawaii for 6 days, and take Rio (my dog), My Mom and my entire family with me, drink margaritas and eat nothing but Mexican and not bother with sunblock.
My answer:
I would let everyone know that I would be going to Heaven because I am saved and Jesus promised that that would be where I would spend eternity. I would tell everyone not to cry for me because I would be chilling with my home boy Jesus, talking with my Paw paw and Maw maw, my cousin Mike, Aunt Francis, Mr. Collins, and the others that have passed on to the next life. I would tell everyone that my life was well lived and that I have no regrets. I would tell everyone to continue their life, and live theirs to the fullest. I would tell them to keep Jesus first, and never let the things of this world affect them because we are “just passing through.” I would ask everyone to celebrate my life instead of mourn my death. (Actually I would expect this along with a big BBQ, good jokes, and lots of family!!!) I would also tell everyone to be jealous because God brought me to my mansion in heaven before them!!
I would tell my wife that I never knew that I could love one person as much as I love her. I would tell her that I don’t know where my life would be or how I would have turned out if I hadn’t met her. I would tell her that she means more to me than life itself. I would thank her for her unconditional love. I would thank her for the great memories, the laughs, the cries, the fights, the tears, the jokes, the quirks, and the excitement that she brought to my life. I would tell her to bury me in shorts and a t-shirt because I am not about the heat. I would thank her for the joy she has brought me. I would like her to know that she was the best choice that I ever made. I would let her know that I loved who she is, and that she should never change herself. I would let her know that she taught me to love life, to love people, and to not get so overworked and upset about things that didn’t really matter. I have to say that I have been blessed with a beautiful, wonderful, head-strong, loving, caring, and genuinely devoted wife. I am sometimes tough to put up with, but I have to say I have met my match. She is the total opposite of me, but God knew what he was doing when we met. We hit bumps, well I do, in the road, but our life is wonderful. She is my rock when it comes to the day to day worries of life. Things that I go absolutely insane thinking about she shrugs off and says, "Dustan, it'll be okay. Stop worrying so much. God hasn't let us down, and he will continue to take care of us. " My wife says that I worry to much about the day to day things. She also says that I worry to much about the small stuff, and that I don't give myself the chance to enjoy things sometimes. All of this I would thank her for.
I would thank my mom for giving up her life to better mine. I would thank her for loving us unconditionally and providing and taking care of us. I would thank her for showing us how to live life without regrets, and providing us with the tools and wisdom to better our lives. I would let her know that even though we argued that she meant everything to me. She was my rock in a quick sand world. I would let her know that she was always the one that I could trust to give me sound advice and to listen to my problems. I would thank her for the life’s lessons that she taught us, and for teaching us to never settle for second best. I would tell her not to get so worked up about things and quit being so gullible. Hehe. I would tell her that the sacrifices that she made as a parent didn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated. I would let her know that she should be proud of her accomplishments in life, and that she is one darn good nurse. I would say so many more things.
I would tell my dad that if I had the last 13 years to do over I would forgive him sooner than I did so that we could have that relationship. I would let him know that I love him and that I do have many good memories of him. I would let him know that he too helped shape the life that I have now and that without his guidance and love and teachings that I wouldn’t be where I am today. I would tell him that even though his ways may have been a little un-orthodox that he is still my father and that I love him very much.
I would let my brothers know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.
There are also other people that have influenced my life in ways that they probably don’t imagine.
Bro Andrew, Uncle Curt and Aunt Sandy, Mr. Tony and Mrs. Paulette, Bro. Mike, Jason S., Mr. Bud, Mrs. Connie, many of my co-workers and supervisors, my clients, my children (work), Uncle Rob, Arie, Mark, my friends from college, Gregg, Cole, Mrs. Doreen, my teachers (all throughout my schooling), neighbors, random strangers. There are just way too many to count and to list that have been a part of making me the person, influencing me, and guiding me. But to ALL of those people I would say thank you for being a part of my life and allowing me to be a part of yours.
I am not sure why all of this has come about. Maybe I am just being realistic about life. Maybe I am finding wisdom as I grow older. Maybe these are things that I was taught all of my life and they are just resurfacing. Whatever the case may be I wanted to share this…
May God bless all of you as he has me and my family!
WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT?
